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Firecrackers at McCully Barracks, Wackernheim, Germany
In the early 1970s, just outside the Main Gate of McCully Barracks (Army) in Wackernheim, Germany, was an entrepreneur who sold car insurance, clothing, jewelry, dry cleaning, and "you name it," with his primary audience being U.S. service members. GIs called him Jesse James because of his perceived high prices. He also sold giant firecrackers. Let's talk about those firecrackers.
Some of you might be familiar with the M-80 firecrackers of old. They were not very big, but they were powerful. Jesse's giant firecrackers, though twice as big as the M-80, were probably only half as powerful. Upon detonation, they produced a great deal of noise and generated a substantial amount of paper. The fuse was a complete loop, twisted together, not unlike a cinnamon twist donut. This configuration was vital because it allowed me to untwist a short portion at the top and insert a lit cigarette as a time-delay circuit. They were powerful enough to meet my nefarious needs.
NEFARIOUS NEED #1: I had just finished a meal at the post snack bar when I decided to leave a present in the form of one of Jesse's firecrackers. I set one up with the cigarette fuse I mentioned above, and set it under the table. The table was next to a wall, by the way. I made my way back to the barracks, a short distance away. From a window, I could see the general area of the "gadget." Before long, I saw a slight disturbance consisting of several people jumping up from their chairs and backing away from ground zero. As far as I could tell, no one was sitting that the "gadget" table. This was probably a good thing.
NEFARIOUS NEED #2: G.I. Joe was asleep on his stomach. It was the middle of the day, and he was the only one in the room. I placed a clipboard on his butt, topped it with a Jesse Special, lit it, and ran for the door. Peeking back into the room. I witnessed the detonation, the ensuing shower of paper, and the rude awakening. I didn't hang around.
NEFARIOUS NEED #3: G.I. Joe was in the latrine, sitting on the commode. I lit a Jesse Special, rolled it into the stall, and departed the area. I heard the blast of what had to be the noisiest laxative G.I. Joe had ever experienced.
NEFARIOUS NEED #4: This was a dangerous mission because ground zero was the top of a vending machine in the hallway just outside the offices of the Commanding Officer, First Sergeant, and various other admin offices. I placed the bomb on top of the machine, attached the cigarette timer, and walked casually out the front door. A minute later, I heard the muffled "whoomp" of the gadget. Without seeing, I knew they had all un-assed their chairs to see what it was all about. Note: Grammarly wanted me to say they all "stood up to see what was going on." Nope, there is no doubt in my mind that they un-assed those chairs!
NEFARIOUS NEED #5: If you think I was a firecracker-throwing butthead, and you believe in karma, read on. It was a friendly card game in the barracks, just inside the door. Just outside the door, in a darkened hallway, stood a heavy-duty 55-gallon trash can, the kind with a reinforced rim and a tight-fitting lid. Into the bottom of the almost-empty can, I tossed a Jesse Special with a cigarette fuse. I went back into the room to watch the card game, a game that would soon be interrupted. After a few minutes, I decided that something was wrong - the gadget was taking too long to detonate. After another minute, I went out to check, and as I reached for the lid - BOOM! I saw two versions of the explosion. I saw the lid hit the ceiling with a "clang" and fall back down to the can with another clang. At the same time, I saw the lid rise slowly, with shock waves emanating from it. I staggered back, the lid missing my chin by an inch. The card gamers came running out, realized what happened, and had a good laugh. They would have laughed more had they known the blast caused me to have a minor accident.
Walter "Keydown" Brown